How long were you standing there?

Have you ever stopped to think about all of the weird things we humans do when we are alone?

I mean, dogs lick their crotches in public. Cats bathe in public. I've seen horses with erections, birds having what I can only assume was intercourse, and hamsters eat their young.

But as humans, we are too socially aware. We create multiple personalities for public image.

I don't go to Walmart, stand in front of the big mirrors, and dance around like I'm auditioning for So You Think You Can Dance. Of all of the crazy things I've seen in Walmart, this was never one of them. I do, however, pretend that the mirror in my bedroom is Nigel Lythgoe and according to him my out of rhythm booty popping gets a ticket straight to Vegas!

So why not in public? You could not pay me! It doesn't matter that I know everyone has their quirks and everyone does crazy things when they are alone. What matters is that they are not in the habit of showing me theirs, so I'm not showing mine.

Until now.

Here is my list of crazy, weird, strange, odd, quirky habits that I may be willing to tell you about, but you will never see in person.

1. Dancing. I'm not talking about music blaring, moving to the rhythm, out with friends and having a good time. I'm talking about making dinner while trying to do the running man in the kitchen. Dropping it in the handicap dressing room to test out the new clothes. Being so bored that you decide to waltz with yourself to the music in your head.
2. Facial expressions. Smile. Don't smile. Daydream about your crush and get a goofy grin on your face in the middle of a family dinner. Oops. I wasn't alone then. Getting so caught up in a book that you laugh out loud when the character is laughing and tense up with righteous indignation when they are angry. Why are you watching me read, you weirdo?? 
3. Grooming. I don't have a mustache. I swear I don't have a mustache! That wax is strictly for my eyebrows!! Don't look at me like that.
4. Wandering eyes. When I think, you know try to come up with ideas because doesn't constantly run in a straight line, my eyes cross, roll, and do a whole bunch of acrobatic tricks I'm not sure eyes should be doing. Am I staring at you? No, I'm staring through you.
5. And let's not forget testing out cute picture looks in the mirror, picking your teeth or nose (hopefully not with the same finger), getting into an argument with your wall and saying the things you wish you would have said to that nasty co-worker who took you by surprise, sniffing your armpits to make sure you don't smell, and everything else I missed because I am only one person who can't perform every weird act when alone.

Did I mention that I often stumble over thin air? You didn't see that. I'm serious, if you want your face to stay intact, you DIDN'T see that!